After death. Now what?
And suddenly, without announcement, that person was gone. The person I had shared great days and years of my life with.
Suddenly, the emptiness, the sadness, the destiny betrayal, took the place of what seemed to be certain and permanent.
Time, breathing, and plans are suspended until further solution, if it is possible to exist.
Moving on, keep living, are the words of the day. Honestely, is more like...suck it up.
Somedays dispite the sorrow, the life goes on. But when those particular moments we used to share with that person and count on its particular suport and inconditional love, knock at the door, the pain and the "saudade" are as strong as ever.
And the loneliness caused by your absence is like an open wound that doesn´t closes and bleeds from time to time. No one can take your place on those moments or make the memory of you go away.
How do those feelings can be so strong after all this time? This sorrow stops my normal day and make me go back to moments I can´t live again. I question all my life since you died. Did I live since you died or I just pretended to? Because when Í miss you, I feel that your death is the only thing i really care about.
One day I asked myself this question when I was feeling really deep your absence:" And if there´s a life after death?- and continued inquiring and exploring the idea - Maybe when I have this strong feelings after all this years like if everything had just happened a few days ago, I am just feeling your presence close to me. Your affection."
"If it is that so, I don´t want you to see me always sad and complaining. I want you to see me happy and enjoying your company. And most of all, I want you to be happy wherever you are and not to be concerned about my well being. We used to cheer up each other, not hold each other wings. And that´s the way I want things to continue to be."
Since I had this perception that I got you back in my life, and at the same time you can count on me in yours, because everytime I have strong sad feelings about missing you, i speak to you mentally: "There you are, gossiping my life. I can feel you. Thank you for being here and never forget about me. Don´t worry. It will pass and I´ll have better days again. That´s life! I keep missing you everyday, but I want you to know, that I want that you follow your life and be happy too. One day we will change notes again. Don´t worry about me, because I don´t want to feel that I have to be worried about you. I want you to know that I love you a lot, and I want you to run after your happiness and fulfillment. I will always be here for you everytime you need".
You are back in my life again.
When I feel you and I remmember a particular moment we had, I talk to you about it as if you were here: "Sorry for that... Thank you for... I´m not angry about... I felt so happy when...Don´t worry..."
Today, the world is not a place where I can´t find a person with a meaning in my life anymore, because some how I rescued you.
I managed to bring back my piece of mind and patience in my heart, because you are here with me and I´m here for you.
Some how it works, like if you just have moved to another city, State or Country but we continue to communicate.
Maybe I´m silly, maybe I´m right. If there´s nothing on the the other side, everything is over to the other person. No regrets, no pain, no words unspoken. If there´s life on the other side, you always know how well I wish you while missing you, because I will tell you everyday.
See you, love you, and can´t live without you.
As Elvy´s sang: "You are always on my mind".
Comovida com uma história de perda,
Maria Sou